Marriage: Turn Towards Each Other

I read an article in the last year that stood out to me. It said, 

“The #1 indicator of success in relationships is turning towards one another instead of away. 

Of course, it’s impossible to always turn toward your partner. But in our lab study, the couples who stayed together for at least six years turned toward each other 86% of the time. Those who got divorced only did it 33% of the time.”

Matt and I have been happily married for almost 23 years now so I think we’re doing something right but we are VERY intentional and always looking for ways to love each other better. 

I think this article stood out to me because in our stage of life with being business owners and parents, it can be really easy to not turn towards each other. I am really good at making my to-do list and until those things are checked off during the day diverting from the plan feels like a derailment or distraction. But those in our lives are not distractions and so I especially have to be mindful of not treating them like they are. 

So what does it mean exactly to turn towards each other? They explained it as “making a bid”, in the article, 

“A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.”

For us, it’s the intentional greeting in the morning (which is harder for me before I’m ready for the day), a hug or kiss before we leave for somewhere, sitting in the hot tub, asking the other to lunch, verbalizing appreciation, celebrating our work or daily wins, looking at each other when you’re having a conversation (instead of multi-tasking), problem solving together, going on a walk around the neighborhood and so much more. Another thing that has been helpful is to know how we feel most loved (the 5 love languages can be helpful) and make an effort to do that for each other. I’m not especially a touchy feely kind of person so stopping to give a hug is a big deal. 

I think that this study could probably be applied to healthy relationships with our kids too. They also want and need to know that we are present and pursuing them. Raising kids is full of the daily routines, running from place to place or activity to activity. We can get too hurried or distracted in our parenting (at least I can) and forget to slow down, look them in the eye, take interest in the things they love (which when it involves video games is really hard for me). Some things that have helped us to do this is taking them on a one on one outing, connecting around the dinner table each night, family nights on Friday and now that they are older, sending them funny memes or videos.  Our kids need us to move toward them just as much as our spouse does. 

When we are doing this daily, whether it’s with our spouse or kids, it sure makes it easier when really hard things or conflicts come up. We are able to move through those times more quickly often because we already have a full love tank so to speak instead of an empty one. 

Our goal for our marriage has always been to thrive and not just survive, this has definitely played a part in our thriving. 

Does this resonate or challenge you in a good way too? Is it easy for you to move toward others? 

If you want to read more about that study, the article can be found here.